Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
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He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
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After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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