You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
