How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Randomize
