I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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