And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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