My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
