FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
