the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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