Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
from now on my penis is your penis
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
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Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
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My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!