So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
