Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize