update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
