Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
40s are totally the cure
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
