I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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