i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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