I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
