Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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