You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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