i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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