I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
