My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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