my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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