she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
