So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
