I heard we made out
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
