I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
