Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
