Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Found the puke drawer
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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