I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
