I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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