My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
