Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
