I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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