is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
