I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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