i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
