I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
