the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
