I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
