Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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