I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
