i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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