So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
