so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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