the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
