This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
