I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
