i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
