u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
