Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
