make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
