Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
