Umm I'm too high to move.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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