please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
there is glitter all over my balls
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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