He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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