They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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