Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
