At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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