dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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