U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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