the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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