Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
