How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
