I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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