i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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