I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
