Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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